The Irene Hixon Whitney Bridge (Walker Art Museum, 1988)

AND NOW I CANNOT REMEMBER HOW I WOULD HAVE HAD IT. IT IS NOT A CONDUIT (CONFLUENCE?) BUT A PLACE. THE PLACE, OF MOVEMENT AND AN ORDER. THE PLACE OF OLD ORDER. BUT THE TAIL END OF THE MOVEMENT IS NEW. DRIVING US TO SAY WHAT WE ARE THINKING. IT IS SO MUCH LIKE A BEACH AFTERALL. WHERE YOU STAND AND THINK OF GOING NO FURTHER, AND IT IS GOOD WHEN YOU GET TO NO FURTHER. IT IS LIKE A REASON THAT PICKS YOU UP AND PLACES YOU WHERE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. THIS FAR. IT IS FAIR TO BE CROSSING. TO HAVE CROSSED. THEN THERE IS NO PROMISE IN THE OTHER. HERE IT IS. STEEL AND AIR. A MOTTLED PRESENCE. SMALL PANACEA AND LUCKY FOR US. AND THEN IT GOT VERY COOL. -JOHN ASHBURY

Vitals (Charcoal Drawing by BB)

TEXT ONE: "The pupa is motionless and is often called a "resting stage." However, much activity occurs within the shell. Larval structures are being broken down and re-formed into those of an adult butterfly."

TEXT TWO: "They took her vitals everyday:

TEXT THREE: The butterfly uses its muscles to pump air and blood through its body and wings. The butterfly's exoskeleton hardens, and the legs and other body parts become firm. The wings flatten and expand. The butterfly joins the halves of its proboscis together. About an hour after leaving the pupal shell, the adult butterfly may be ready to fly." -Vitals

Butterfly (Charcoal Drawing by BB)

"When she closed here eyes tight / she could propell herself into the air / by flapping her arms, / suspended in the arc of a leap" - Butterfly

Statistics of Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder (e.d.) is hard enough when you WANT to recover. Long-term follow-ups of patients with bulimia nervosa reveal about 30% do not fully recover; 10% remain fully symptomatic (Keel et al., 1999; Reas et al., 2000).

It is important to recognize up to 90% of patients with eating disorders are NOT in treatment (Fairburn et al., 1996), so the 70% recovery rate for bulimia (cited above) refers to the population of bulimics within the 10% of patients in treatment. I imagine the odds of recovery are much lower for patients who do not receive treatment; I know from personal experience treatment from bulimia is almost impossible without symptom interruption and professional care.

Intervening soon after a diagnosis of Bulimia Nervosa is made (i.e., within the first few years) is linked with a better prognosis (Reas et al., 2000 as cited in Davidson, Neale, & Kring, 2004). However, among patients who seek treatment for Bulimia Nervosa, the average length of the disorder is 9 years (Dr. Laura Jaap, Methodist Hospital, 2008), so intervention within the first few years of the diagnosis seems improbable.

Patients with bulimia nervosa who binge and vomit more, have comorbid substance abuse, or a history of depression have a poorer prognosis than patients without these factors (Wilson et al., 1999); symptom use and comorbid substance abuse increase with direct correlation to the length of the disorder in my experience.

Cognitive behavior therapy - the best validated and most current standard for the treatment of bulimia - falls short in most patients (Davidson, Neale, & Kring, 2004).

Findings from a number of studies indicate CBT often results in less frequent binging and purging, with reductions ranging from 70 to more than 90%; extreme dietary restraint is also reduced significantly, and there is improvement in attitudes toward body shape and weight (Compas et al., 1998; Garner et al., 1993; Wilson et al., 1991).

At least HALF OF THOSE TREATED WITH CBT IMPROVE VERY LITTLE (Craighead & Agras, 1991; Wilson, 1995; Wilson & Pike, 1993), and only about ONE THIRD OF THE PATIENTS WHO DO IMPROVE SIGNIFICANTLY MAINTAIN IMPROVEMENTS at followups as early as 6- and 12-months (Fairburn, Peveler, et al., 1993).

Statistics do not seem to favor recovery from Bulimia Nervosa; this does not mean recovery is not possible or probable.

Recovery from Bulimia Nervosa relies on willingness to recover. To support this claim, please summon any cliche quotation indicating the power of attitude: "mind over matter," "weather you think you can, or you think you cannot, you are probably right," etc.

Stay Tuned for a Blog on "The Right Time to Recover;" for help strengthening your ability to improve your chances of recovery through your mindpower, please read "The Secret," (http://www.thesecret.tv/).

Affirmations

Affirmations are cheesy.

Fortifying disingenuous words with personal consequence causes me discontent; I feel ill at ease.

I prefer to set goals. I try to set very specific goals, and I find I am better able to achieve goals whose completion I can measure in some quantifiable form. However, the goals that hold greater depth and significance to me tend to be more abstract and difficult to measure.

"The Secret" helps me change my thoughts in away that strengthens their ability to influence my actions. When I change the conjugation of my goals from the subjunctive "I want ... [to be]" to the present "I am" or "I have," I fuse my future goals more strongly to my present reality.

When I do this, I create a set of affirmations that truly means something to me. I find myself writing these affirmations mindlessly - on note cards, scrap paper - anything that will hold my writing.

It seems that when I let MY mind speak ITS mind, a voice comes forth from inside me whose sole purpose is to remind myself of who I am and who I truly want to be.

I like my guts. I nourish the beauty that dwells within me. I respect myself and my boundaries. I WILL SHOW FORGIVENESS TO MYSELF. I will eat leafy greens and citrus fruits. I can change any habit. I accept that I can be PROUD of myself.

I like my guts. I accept, value, and nourish the beauty that dwells within me. I respect my body, that carries me; I accept, value, and nourish my body. I respect myself and my boundaries. I show to myself the forgiveness I extend to others. I can change any habit. I accept and respect my right to feel pride in myself.

My Affirmation. Over and over again. :)

Denial and Obsession

I wrote this response to another blogger who did not seem to understand a paradox she identified in her life: denying food, yet obsessing about it.

Before I decided to fight for my recovery, I was ashamed of my eating disorder and terrified my urges to gorge would continue - even if I stopped purging.

A healthy structured meal plan is crucial to recovery. A healthy structured meal plan involves eating three meals and three snacks every day, with appropriate intakes of milk/dairy, protein, fruit, vegetables, bread, fat, and 1 dessert daily, based on weight restoration, body mass index, and vital signs: temperature, respiration, pulse and blood pressure.

I did not view my eating disorder as starvation - I judged myself as "overeating" and interpreted my obsession with food as indication of my natural obesity. I feared obsession with food would be my fate weather I purged or not. Restriction of- and obsession with food is no paradox; the two actions correlate strongly.

Restrict food intake; body starves; body sends distress signal to brain: "I need food! HELP! What do I do?" Brain sends message back to body: "Find food! Eat!" Brain increases intensity, strength, and specificity of its message until body's distress message ends. Brain pays more attention to food; brain produces endorphins when food is near; endorphins reinforce the behaviors of eating and being around food.

Continual food restriction starves any body. If you want your brain to stop screaming about food, you need to stop starving your body.

Do you recognize you have made an irrational judgement about yourself: that you should be able to restrict your food intake without any psychological implications. Your judgement is not paradoxical; it is irrational. I have been in this spot of irrational mentality; my recovery has progressed much differently than I thought it would.

I encourage anyone struggling with an eating disorder to seek treatment; peace of mind is so much more important and valuable than body image!

Choosing to Take Control

I began an e-mail: "I have put my life on hold for the time being to focus on my recovery from my eating disorder." My mom helped me view my recovery from a healthier point of view: I am not putting my life on hold; I am choosing to steer my life in a different direction.

I am choosing to regain control of my life. To put "on hold" indicates an intent to return or reclaim; I do not intend to go back to my eating disorder. I will not resume a life my eating disorder controls. I intend to begin living a life I control.

This realization is very empowering for me: NO, I am not putting my life on hold. I am treating my eating disorder as a very important part of my life. My decisions can change the course of my future; I choose to control my life's course. I choose change.

I am excited for my new found power to ruminate into other areas of my life. If I can have the health I want, I can have the job I want - whatever job I truly want. I can choose the friends I want to have. I can choose where I want to live and how I want to spend my days. I choose to choose for myself.

About Me

I am 24 years old; I lost 9 years of my life to bulimia. At age 23, I realized I was living a life based on other peoples' standards. I was unhappy, unsatisfied, and completely controlled by my eating disorder, but I saw the opportunity to begin living my life for myself. I wanted to love myself again, and I realized I would not let myself love myself until I was able to live honestly - and healthfully - without my eating disorder. I also realized I could not recover my health on my own. I checked myself into an in-patient hospital program for "symptom interruption" for eating disorder recovery. I was in the hospital's in-patient program for 2 weeks, then I joined the hospital's partial day program. I am beginning this blog today - Saturday, June 7; I have not used any bulimic symptom use (binging and/or purging) since I checked myself into the hospital's in-patient program on May 5, one month and 5 days ago.