MISSING: Chapter Un-Numbered (II)

MISSING

Chapter Not Yet Numbered (II)

...The greater issue, of course, is that because I know my few inner circle cards, I cannot love myself. There - I've created a game even I cannot beat; I am an incompetent loser at my own game, my own life.

Fatalism, self harm for preservation, destruction of others: I permit my sins because I know everyone else around me hides equal perversions (and they do, because I keep people around me who also house and hide perversion and vice). 

I permit my vices to disseminate; I am vainly in love with the person I have almost actually become. I almost believe that I may become the person I am pretending to be, if I just let this wretched personality exist and infest for a small time more.

I permit my vices to disseminate because I have to be beautiful - because beauty is the only worthwhile end I can actually find a way to achieve.

I permit my vices to disseminate because I am disgusted by my worthless life; external beauty is the only redeeming quality I have.

I wretch to think of the waste that my footprints on this Earth create.

I may very well be the world's most horrible contributor to The Human Footprint (http://wcs.org/humanfootprint/index.html). My contributions are so unimaginably wretched and destructive I deserve a death of stone or fire. 

I am not a witch, but I am a wretch and my society should put an end to me - because I am a harm to them, and a greater harm for their prolonged generations.

********

MISSING: Chapter 9

MISSING

Chapter 9: Der Schwer Gefasste Entschluss

 

The vomit. The bending forward. The implosion. The explosion. The vomit. The speckles on the under-rim of the toilet seat. The curly black pubic hair. The girls who fuck strangers with the toilet seat down. The cloud of toilet paper that protects the right hand. The toilet paper that pretends to protect her right hand. The door that pretends to shield the nasty secret. The storekeeper who pretends not to notice the scrawny girl using the bathroom and always continuing to use the bathroom. The co-peers and co-workers and co-others that pretend not to notice or who do not ask and do not care or do not notice. The sister who consumes the scars silently. The mother who angers and the father who fears. The parents who hesitate. The individual who hates herself.

 

***

MISSING: Chapter 3

MISSING
Chapter 3: OUT OF HABIT

An observer can easily describe the situation: “oh, unfortunate.”

For her, having the additional burden of being the disadvantaged participant, the situation is unfair in addition to being unfortunate. Tragically unfair. Fate is unfair.

She vomits; kicking and thrashing, imploding into herself and into the toilet, into the sewage. Life is not fair. Life is not fair.

But women have such things as their pride to attend to. Who will admit at youth the most common of quandaries: I am vulnerable, I feel very vulnerable. Who moreover will do so openly and without any blame or fear of exposure: I am vulnerable and exposed. A flower in the wind has only one secret: to conceal its vulnerability to the wind.

What mother can receive such an observation from her delicate darling: “Mother, I am overexposed” – without feeling responsible.

What mother does not feel responsible for her child. What mother is not responsible for her child?

MISSING: Chapter 1

TITLE: MISSING
Dedication: For Katie, if you ever want to know.

Chapter 1: Der schwer gefasste Entschluss – the difficult resolution

Muss es sein? Es muss sein! Es muss sein! * >>see asterisk below<<<

She careens over the public toilet and explodes. Loads of vomit flood from her mouth. Her brain – armed with monotonous familiarity – seems disconnected for a time. She does not look at the vomit, or at the blotted stains on the underside of the toilet seat that can only be dried urine. This is a public restroom that provides rest to both sexes. The dark-colored pubic hair that curls at the rim of the toilet bowl is likely from a male. She wonders for a second at the crudity of such a public intimacy. How many others have used this room for their own respite? How many others have stowed away in this bathroom to shoot up or to steal an indiscreet cigarette? How many girls have sat on this toilet – with the seat down – and fucked a stranger? The public bathroom is a stowaway for stale transgressions of intimacy.

*Muss es sein? Es muss sein!" alludes to the Der schwer gefasste entschluss (the "difficult resolution) of the last movement of Beethoven's last quartet, which is based on the following two motifs "Muss es sein? Es muss sein! Ess muss sein!" In German this translates to "Must it be? It must be! It must be!"
****
Sometimes her vomit speckles the rim of the toilet seat. She cringes and violently grabs large wads of toilet paper to cloud around her hand before swiping around the under-rim of the toilet bowl. Disparity. She knows in one small flicker of her heart that this is too unsanitary to comprehend. Another flicker she calls common sense tells her this comes with the territory. She deserves this. She has earned this. Es muss sein!
***
A common childhood approximation for naming works of writing postulates that a title should: identify a main character who is introduced within the first 2 chapters; identify an object that has metaphorical significance to the plot; or identify a theme that is contributory to the plot. This was a very long – almost run-on – sentence. However, most works are generally allotted one handful of long, run-on sentences to sprinkle throughout a story IN ORDER to meet one of two criteria: to present a large amount of interconnected material in a way that connects the material; or to guise at vernacular.

This title – “Missing” – aims to defy the stipulates of childhood grammar. The title is ferociously rebellious. Following the above introduced approximation for naming works of writing, one may assume this story will identify the plot of a missing child. This is not the case. Nor does this story indicate the importance of any animate object or theme that is “missing” from the plot. However, this title is not so rebellious as it aims to be. This title is neither perverse nor progressive. And so we begin this story's tale.

Eating Disorders are Tough Shit! Did you know?

A friend from high school contacted me a while back; she noticed we had many friends in common from EDI. She shared with me that she was in treatment for an Eating Disorder.

She was cautious to approach the subject; if our mutual friends were a coincidence, I suppose this would create an awkward situation for her. What if I did not want to share my treatment experience with her, and did not respond?

I was actually very thankful to receive her story of treatment. I was reminded how sadly common eating disorders are.

I was reminded that I should not feel guilty for struggling with my eating disorder; Eating Disorders are tough shit!

Eating disorders are shrouded in isolation and secrecy; this is obviously harmful to an individual who is trying to hide an eating disorder; this is also harmful for others who struggle with eating disorders and who think they are alone and abnormal in their struggles.

EXAMPLE: When I was younger, I had an abscess on the bottom of my left foot. An abscess is a collection of pus that has accumulated in a cavity formed by the tissue on the basis of an infectious process or other foreign materials. Mine was from stepping on a nail. GROSS, right?!

When I walked I would further infect the abscess and it would drain. It smelled. Pretty gross, right, but what could I do? I had not chosen to step on a nail. I never chose for my foot to become infected. The abscess caused me to limp, and I had to take 2 weeks off from soccer; I missed my team's state meet. 

My abscess was gross, and it was grossly mentionable; however, it did not define me. To this day, my abscess does not define me. I don't even tell many people about it anymore because it no longer exists on my foot. It is so far in the past that it hardly relates.

Vomiting is grossly mentionable. It would be awkward to embark on a serious relationship with someone and not mention, "oh, but the way, I have a sickness where I vomit after every time I eat." Yuck - that's Gross! But vomiting does not define an eating disorder.

One might share something more definitive: "I am struggling right now with insecurities and obsessive thoughts. I have difficulty managing stress in my life." Who doesn't?

My boyfriend is not able to tolerate stress very well - he becomes crabby and isolates himself when he feels stressed out about work. He sometimes loses sleep over stress, and exercises less as a result. This is an unhealthy tolerance - it is also totally normal! Stress is tiring and difficult to tolerate.

As I become more mature, I care less about others' judgements. When I share a truth about myself - no matter how awkward or different my self-truth may be - most people admire me for my honesty.

Half-truths are a killer; I have a friend with an eating disorder who feels comfortable telling some close friends and family members that she has an eating disorder. However, she does not feel comfortable sharing with anyone the difficulty of her struggle. She does not feel comfortable sharing with others that she is struggling through something difficulty.

Why? More power to the individual who has something in life that is difficult to manage, and who continues to struggle to manage it nonetheless! Gumption! 

Would you judge me if I told you my abscess was very painful? Of course it was!

Perhaps if we - who struggle with eating disorders - were more vocal in our struggles, others would better understand them. Perhaps we would feel more comfortable sharing with people up-front, 

"I have an eating disorder; it is as dirty as chewing tobacco, and as difficult as any physical impairment. You cannot see my eating disorder, so you may often forget that I have it, but it is something that I will always battle.

"Fighting an eating disorder entails a difficult struggle, and it is one that I have to fight for myself. There is little you can do to help me fight my own eating disorder. However, you can help me raise awareness of eating disorders at large.

"Don't judge; eating disorders are tough, tough shit!"

Vitals (Charcoal Drawing by BB)

TEXT ONE: "The pupa is motionless and is often called a "resting stage." However, much activity occurs within the shell. Larval structures are being broken down and re-formed into those of an adult butterfly."

TEXT TWO: "They took her vitals everyday:

TEXT THREE: The butterfly uses its muscles to pump air and blood through its body and wings. The butterfly's exoskeleton hardens, and the legs and other body parts become firm. The wings flatten and expand. The butterfly joins the halves of its proboscis together. About an hour after leaving the pupal shell, the adult butterfly may be ready to fly." -Vitals

Butterfly (Charcoal Drawing by BB)

"When she closed here eyes tight / she could propell herself into the air / by flapping her arms, / suspended in the arc of a leap" - Butterfly

Statistics of Recovery

Recovering from an eating disorder (e.d.) is hard enough when you WANT to recover. Long-term follow-ups of patients with bulimia nervosa reveal about 30% do not fully recover; 10% remain fully symptomatic (Keel et al., 1999; Reas et al., 2000).

It is important to recognize up to 90% of patients with eating disorders are NOT in treatment (Fairburn et al., 1996), so the 70% recovery rate for bulimia (cited above) refers to the population of bulimics within the 10% of patients in treatment. I imagine the odds of recovery are much lower for patients who do not receive treatment; I know from personal experience treatment from bulimia is almost impossible without symptom interruption and professional care.

Intervening soon after a diagnosis of Bulimia Nervosa is made (i.e., within the first few years) is linked with a better prognosis (Reas et al., 2000 as cited in Davidson, Neale, & Kring, 2004). However, among patients who seek treatment for Bulimia Nervosa, the average length of the disorder is 9 years (Dr. Laura Jaap, Methodist Hospital, 2008), so intervention within the first few years of the diagnosis seems improbable.

Patients with bulimia nervosa who binge and vomit more, have comorbid substance abuse, or a history of depression have a poorer prognosis than patients without these factors (Wilson et al., 1999); symptom use and comorbid substance abuse increase with direct correlation to the length of the disorder in my experience.

Cognitive behavior therapy - the best validated and most current standard for the treatment of bulimia - falls short in most patients (Davidson, Neale, & Kring, 2004).

Findings from a number of studies indicate CBT often results in less frequent binging and purging, with reductions ranging from 70 to more than 90%; extreme dietary restraint is also reduced significantly, and there is improvement in attitudes toward body shape and weight (Compas et al., 1998; Garner et al., 1993; Wilson et al., 1991).

At least HALF OF THOSE TREATED WITH CBT IMPROVE VERY LITTLE (Craighead & Agras, 1991; Wilson, 1995; Wilson & Pike, 1993), and only about ONE THIRD OF THE PATIENTS WHO DO IMPROVE SIGNIFICANTLY MAINTAIN IMPROVEMENTS at followups as early as 6- and 12-months (Fairburn, Peveler, et al., 1993).

Statistics do not seem to favor recovery from Bulimia Nervosa; this does not mean recovery is not possible or probable.

Recovery from Bulimia Nervosa relies on willingness to recover. To support this claim, please summon any cliche quotation indicating the power of attitude: "mind over matter," "weather you think you can, or you think you cannot, you are probably right," etc.

Stay Tuned for a Blog on "The Right Time to Recover;" for help strengthening your ability to improve your chances of recovery through your mindpower, please read "The Secret," (http://www.thesecret.tv/).

Denial and Obsession

I wrote this response to another blogger who did not seem to understand a paradox she identified in her life: denying food, yet obsessing about it.

Before I decided to fight for my recovery, I was ashamed of my eating disorder and terrified my urges to gorge would continue - even if I stopped purging.

A healthy structured meal plan is crucial to recovery. A healthy structured meal plan involves eating three meals and three snacks every day, with appropriate intakes of milk/dairy, protein, fruit, vegetables, bread, fat, and 1 dessert daily, based on weight restoration, body mass index, and vital signs: temperature, respiration, pulse and blood pressure.

I did not view my eating disorder as starvation - I judged myself as "overeating" and interpreted my obsession with food as indication of my natural obesity. I feared obsession with food would be my fate weather I purged or not. Restriction of- and obsession with food is no paradox; the two actions correlate strongly.

Restrict food intake; body starves; body sends distress signal to brain: "I need food! HELP! What do I do?" Brain sends message back to body: "Find food! Eat!" Brain increases intensity, strength, and specificity of its message until body's distress message ends. Brain pays more attention to food; brain produces endorphins when food is near; endorphins reinforce the behaviors of eating and being around food.

Continual food restriction starves any body. If you want your brain to stop screaming about food, you need to stop starving your body.

Do you recognize you have made an irrational judgement about yourself: that you should be able to restrict your food intake without any psychological implications. Your judgement is not paradoxical; it is irrational. I have been in this spot of irrational mentality; my recovery has progressed much differently than I thought it would.

I encourage anyone struggling with an eating disorder to seek treatment; peace of mind is so much more important and valuable than body image!

Choosing to Take Control

I began an e-mail: "I have put my life on hold for the time being to focus on my recovery from my eating disorder." My mom helped me view my recovery from a healthier point of view: I am not putting my life on hold; I am choosing to steer my life in a different direction.

I am choosing to regain control of my life. To put "on hold" indicates an intent to return or reclaim; I do not intend to go back to my eating disorder. I will not resume a life my eating disorder controls. I intend to begin living a life I control.

This realization is very empowering for me: NO, I am not putting my life on hold. I am treating my eating disorder as a very important part of my life. My decisions can change the course of my future; I choose to control my life's course. I choose change.

I am excited for my new found power to ruminate into other areas of my life. If I can have the health I want, I can have the job I want - whatever job I truly want. I can choose the friends I want to have. I can choose where I want to live and how I want to spend my days. I choose to choose for myself.