I wrote this response to another blogger who did not seem to understand a paradox she identified in her life: denying food, yet obsessing about it.
Before I decided to fight for my recovery, I was ashamed of my eating disorder and terrified my urges to gorge would continue - even if I stopped purging.
A healthy structured meal plan is crucial to recovery. A healthy structured meal plan involves eating three meals and three snacks every day, with appropriate intakes of milk/dairy, protein, fruit, vegetables, bread, fat, and 1 dessert daily, based on weight restoration, body mass index, and vital signs: temperature, respiration, pulse and blood pressure.
I did not view my eating disorder as starvation - I judged myself as "overeating" and interpreted my obsession with food as indication of my natural obesity. I feared obsession with food would be my fate weather I purged or not. Restriction of- and obsession with food is no paradox; the two actions correlate strongly.
Restrict food intake; body starves; body sends distress signal to brain: "I need food! HELP! What do I do?" Brain sends message back to body: "Find food! Eat!" Brain increases intensity, strength, and specificity of its message until body's distress message ends. Brain pays more attention to food; brain produces endorphins when food is near; endorphins reinforce the behaviors of eating and being around food.
Continual food restriction starves any body. If you want your brain to stop screaming about food, you need to stop starving your body.
Do you recognize you have made an irrational judgement about yourself: that you should be able to restrict your food intake without any psychological implications. Your judgement is not paradoxical; it is irrational. I have been in this spot of irrational mentality; my recovery has progressed much differently than I thought it would.
I encourage anyone struggling with an eating disorder to seek treatment; peace of mind is so much more important and valuable than body image!
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2 comments:
Hi! Thanks for your comment. I know and understand what you're saying...but I still am not able to force myself to eat what I don't want to eat. It's just...hard. I'm right now trying to eat more and more each day. I'm only about 60 lbs and I'm 5'6! so I don't even know how much calories I'm supposed to be consuming. how much and what specifically did you eat in your meal plan?
Hi Sophia,
Admitting to myself that I wanted to recover took me years! You seem to have identified within yourself that you want to recover; in this sense, you have already taken the second largest leap you will have to take toward your recovery process!
Do you have health insurrance? Do you have access to information on treatment centers for eating disorders [e.d.'s], or hospitals that have e.d. units near you?
In my experience, the MOST difficult step toward the process of recovery involves allowing yourself to ask for help and support in your recovery.
Asking for help includes seeking professional treatment (or asking a parent or friend to seek treatment for you-- I called my mom, told her I wanted to go into in-patient treatment for my bulimia, explained that I was overwhelmed and frightened, and asked her to research treatment facilities).
Asking for help also includes asking people who are important to you to accept you for who you are (and to accept you in your struggle with your eating dissorder), and to support you in your recovery.
The idea of treatment - especially in-patient treatment [hospitalization] is SCARRY AS HELL - I know! I was very embarrassed of my eating disorder, and ashamed of myself for having my eating disorder. Seeking treatment required me to share - with at least a few select people in my life - some uncomfortable details about my life and my e.d.
Also, I made the assumption that any treatment center would force me to become overweight - or to gain a lot more weight than I was comfortable with gaining - in order to prove that I was recovered.
In reality, a hospital guides you to increase your weight so that it falls within the range of a healthy BMI. This makes sense: why would a medical institution ever require anyone to gain an unhealthy amount of weight? For starters, that would be a huge liability, and a lawsuit waiting to happen!
My eating disorder made me feel uncomfortable with gaining almost ANY amount of weight; however, my in-patient treatment provided me with a staff of trained and supportive nurses, medical doctor(s), psychologist(s), psychiatrist(s), and physical therapist(s) to help me cope with the feelings of anxiety I experienced as I allowed myself to reach a healthy weight. The professional support of EACH of the different experts listed above (along with a dietician) is CRUCIAL to a healthy and successful recovery.
Each person's meal plan differs, ESPECIALLY when the meal plan is first introduced.
It sounds like you know your body is not used to calories right now. I imagine that's why you are trying to slowly introduce them back into your system.
In the hospital, everyone starts out with basically the same first meal and the same first snack.
Our "vital signs" (body temperature, heart rate - laying down and standing up, blood pressure - laying down and standing up, and weight) are measured and recorded right when we wake up, and twice throughout the day.
Our vital signes indicate how our bodies react to the introduction of food; everyone's body reacts differently. Some patient's bodies adapt to the change (of food introduced into the diet) easily; some patients struggle mentally and/or physically - to varying degrees - with the change.
The patient's meal plan increases gradually, and the rate of increase depends on the patient's physical and mental adaptation to the change of introducing food into the diet. Does this make sense?
Again, the professional team - of doctor(s), nurse(s), dietician(s), psychologist(s), sometimes psychiatrist(s), and physical therapists are REQUIRED to monitor the body's rate of adaption to the introduction of food into a starved body.
I know from personal experience I was not able to treat myself; I tried, and it did not work.
Even with the help of an intensive outpatient program, I was not able to claim my treatment. In-patient care (hospitalization) was absolutely essential to my recovery; it provided the symptom interruption that my mind and body needed in order to lay the strong foundation that my entire recovery builds upon to this day.
The odds are not in the favor of recovery, especially when recovery lacks educated support.
That said, I will return to your question: you asked how much and what specifically I ate in my meal plan.
I mentioned that in the hospital, everyone starts out with basically the same first meal and the same first snack.
The first snack is generally 3 graham cracker squares, and 4 oz. of apple juice. ("1 square" = one half of a graham cracker, so 3 squares = 1.5 graham crackers total).
In the hospital, 15 minutes are alloted for each snack time; allow yourself to start slowly if you need to, and allow yourself to recognize and you are trying something very new (eating plain food and keeping in, and digesting it), and allow yourself to admit that this new thing can be scarry. Try to allow yourself to be scared BECAUSE you are trying something new.
The first meal is generally a grilled cheese sandwich and 8 oz. of 1% or soy milk.
At the hospital, 30 minutes are alloted for each meal. Again, try to allow yourself to start slowly, and try to allow yourself to feel afraid. Try to remind yourself that fear is a very natural response because you are trying something very new.
Most likely, your eating disorder will try to tell you not to eat almost any food because it [the food] is not good enough for you.
A professional team (nurse[nurse(s), psychologist(s), etc.] is trained to provide you with the support you need to sepparate the voice of your eating disorder from your own voice (that sounds corny - I know - but you get used to it).
A professional medical team is trained to provide you with the coping skills you will need to act in a way that promotes your recovery, EVEN when your eating disorder is telling you to act in ways that counteract your recovery.
You will feel very, uncomfortably, full after your first snack and again after your first meal, and after your next snack, and then again after your next meal, etc.
A professional team will help you cope with your feelings of fullness and discomfort.
I could go on; the point is seeking qualified help is very important to your recovery; it is also a very large and frightening leap to take.
You are already taking small steps toward that larger step of committing to your recovery, even just by responding to my comment.
You are on your way! I BARELY have a right to discuss recovery (if at all), because I am only one very small step ahead of where you are. However, if there is any way that I can help you at all, please do not hesitate to ask!
I have many resources I would be glad to share with you (service size charts, informational URLs, etc.). I am happy to help any way I can. :)
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