May 2008: I closed my eyes and stepped in the direction of recovery.
My mother was motherly; my father approved. My big-brother cousin told me I was beautiful; he was sorry he hadn’t noticed on his own.
I expected these reactions; these people knew. They shared a passenger seat in my waiting game.
Friends were my true arbiters. Friends didn’t know formally. They subscribed to my “MeCast” to varying degrees. They admired me and didn’t know Me at all.
Also, my friends were mostly superficial; I’d chosen this on purpose.
I told my boyfriend over the phone. We hadn’t been dating long but I really liked him.
“I have an eating disorder I’ve had for 9 years. I decided to move back to Minnesota to get treatment.
“…Also, I quit my job, but really I was asked to resign, for a totally separate reason. Also, I have Herpes. It’s not the venereal kind – it’s the cold sore kind, so I get cold sores on my mouth sometimes… wanted you to know… sorry.”
I had no other way to close myself into myself. I waited.
“That’s okay,” he said, “I get cold sores too.”
Seriously? What the fuck? I was taken aback.
“I wish there was something I could do,” he said. “I still want to see you or be involved in your life, if that’s okay.”
Seriously! What the fuck? Of course it is!
Profanities came first when I hung up the phone. I felt so totally in awe, and so relieved: post-orgasmic.
Two weeks of inpatient, one month of partial, two weeks of IOP, and 3 months of weekly and bimonthly checkups later, I was embarking on a new relationship.
The best way to handle a white elephant in the room is to introduce it, so I sent an e-mail.
A Facebook message, actually: “I don't really know what you're thinking about the situation [us, dating]. One thing I think you should know though … is that I had an eating disorder for 9 years prior to moving back to MN in May. Actually, that was one of my main motivators to resign and move back to MN …
“Things are going well now, but after 9 years, I liken my eating disorder to an addiction (similar to alcoholism), and I am beginning to recognize that some parts of it will probably never go completely away. That said, the past 6 months have also been difficult at times, but overall they have been very freeing. My decision to begin treatment is the best decision I have made for myself in a very long time, which is why I can be relatively open with talking about it.” http://www.facebook.com/inbox/readmessage.php?t=1049673918548&mbox_pos=20&h=52903663 (Facebook link).
His response (I don’t have saved) was something like: “hey. I got your message. That is very sweet of you to tell me, but it does not change how I feel about you at all.”
The lesson I’m learning: my eating disorder is a part of me, but it does not define me. Nor does it impair or worsen me.
When I share my eating disorder and my struggles with others whose acceptance I value, I find that I gain more acceptances in return, out of respect for my honesty.
By showing vulnerability to others, I extend a very liberating and human part of myself. By accepting my vulnerability, others offer back the same liberation.
A smile or a hug or a handshake or an e-mail generally says, “We’ve all been down a road like that. We just don’t always tell about it. Thanks.”
Try it; what do you have to lose?
